Welcome to part 2 of my series about the two-step decision tool for digital parenting. In the first post, I introduced the two-step decision tool and showed how it can be used to make decisions about how much and what kind of digital experiences are right for young children. In this second post, we’ll examine how it can apply to school-age children and tweens.
To recap, the two-step decision tool consists of two guiding questions:
Is it self-directed? These are technology experiences that place children in the driver’s seat of their digital interactions. Children, and not technology, are in control.
Is it community supported? These are technology experiences that are supported by others, either during or surrounding a digital experience.
In middle childhood, the apps become more sophisticated, the games more involved. But the basic approach remains the same. In step one, pay attention to your child’s attention. A self-directed digital experience will let your child set their own pace and call the shots.
Maybe they’re playing Minecraft in creative mode, deciding the kind of structure or world they want to create, learning how different materials behave through trial and error. Or perhaps they’re mastering a new skill by watching YouTube tutorials, bringing what they learn to the offline world. Networked environments offer seemingly endless opportunities to learn and explore one’s interests.
Even when engaged in self-paced activities, though, your child may sometimes need help figuring out when to call it a day and switch to a non-digital activity. That’s where the second step, community support, comes in. By setting reasonable limits, parents can help their children remain in control of their digital experiences, whether they’re building worlds in Minecraft, learning to string a guitar on YouTube, or designing games in Roblox.
Speaking of video games…a big draw of games is the opportunity for social interaction, whether that’s playing alongside another person in a shared physical space or competing against players online. The kinds of interactions that take place during game play can display more or less community support. Supportive interactions involve things like encouragement, guidance, collaboration, and playfulness. Less supportive interactions include unfairly sabotaging another player’s progress, engaging in racist, sexist, or homophobic speech, and other forms of harassment.
As a caregiver, you might determine that a particular game or platform lacks sufficient community support and decide not to let your child use it. Or, you might turn to parental control settings that limit who your child can interact with on the platform.1In December 2022, Epic Games, the makers of Fortnite, introduced a new type of account that they claim is safe and appropriate for players under 13. These “Cabined Accounts” won’t let users access features such as chat and purchases without permission from a parent or guardian. You might even engage your child in a conversation about representation in game worlds and the gaming industry more broadly—reflecting on who makes the games (still largely white, educated men) and how their ideas about race and gender play out in the game worlds they create.
As we move into the tween years—anywhere from age nine to 13—many parents find themselves deliberating about when to get their child a phone and what sort of parental controls, if any, to put on it. Here, too, the two-step decision tool can provide some guidance.
First, reflect on the kind of experiences you do and don’t want your child to have with their phone. What would a self-directed mobile phone experience look like? Here are some examples: your child uses their phone to connect with people in their lives, have a bit of fun, and perhaps achieve some independence from their parents. What it’s not is engaging with age-inappropriate content, sending or receiving hurtful messages, or feeling pressure to be always available and responsive to friends (and, perhaps, parents).
As a parent, you have an important role to play in providing community support around your tween’s phone use.2In fact, a study published in 2023 showed that teens whose parents throw their hands up in resignation over their children’s phone use are more likely to become victims of online harassment. Talk to them about your expectations; set up some ground rules about what apps they can and can’t install; and show them how to do things like mute notifications and change the default settings so they’re more privacy protecting. Try also to model the kind of phone behaviors you’d like to see your child adopt.3In one of my research papers, we found that teens often feel frustrated that their parents don’t follow their own rules when it comes to limiting phone use. To help guide you in these conversations and actions, consider creating a family media plan or tech planner.
Parental controls might also play a role in the community support you provide. The term “parental controls” isn’t well named—instead of a means to control your child’s behavior, they’re better thought of as a way to support your child as they figure out how to use their phone in a self-directed way (see this guide to the best parental control apps for 2023).
In the next, and final, post in this series, we’ll explore what it would look like to use the two-step decision tool with teens. A 17-year-old’s tech use may look very different from a seven-year-old’s, but the goal is the same: promoting self-directed, community-supported digital experiences.
Notes:
- 1In December 2022, Epic Games, the makers of Fortnite, introduced a new type of account that they claim is safe and appropriate for players under 13. These “Cabined Accounts” won’t let users access features such as chat and purchases without permission from a parent or guardian.
- 2In fact, a study published in 2023 showed that teens whose parents throw their hands up in resignation over their children’s phone use are more likely to become victims of online harassment.
- 3In one of my research papers, we found that teens often feel frustrated that their parents don’t follow their own rules when it comes to limiting phone use.
