The first two posts in this series were about young children (part 1), followed by older kids and tweens (part 2). As your child moves more squarely into adolescence, they’re probably doing more and more things online that you’re not fully aware of and perhaps don’t fully understand. What’s a Snap map, and why does it seem to stress out my teen? Should I be worried about TikTok challenges? Who is my kid talking to on Discord? Are people really ‘more real’ on BeReal (and what is BeReal?)?
Venturing into this unfamiliar territory may feel overwhelming, but don’t panic. The two-step decision tool applies equally well to the wild world of social media as it does to the walled gardens of preschool apps. The goal is to promote self-directed, community-supported digital experiences.
Self-directed social media experiences can be difficult to attain. The unnerving accuracy of TikTok’s For You algorithm can make it hard to log off, undercutting the voluntary nature of a self-directed digital experience. So much the worse if the algorithm reinforces existing insecurities, such as with “thinspo” (or “thinspiration”) content that glamorizes anorexia and disordered eating. Even without overtly harmful trends, comparing the unfiltered image of yourself in the mirror to the highly filtered images of influencers in your feed can feel like a daily gut punch.
Networked communication can be a great way for friends to stay connected; but feeling obligated to be there 24/7 for a struggling friend can be stressful for a lot of teens.1Weinstein, E., & James, C. (2022). Behind their screens: What teens are facing (and adults are missing). MIT Press. It can also fuel FOMO-related anxieties—it’s easy enough to see when you’ve been excluded from a social gathering when your Snap map shows your friends gathered in a place you’re not.
There’s a lot that you can do as a caregiver to provide your teen with community support around their social media use. Ask them about the platforms they’re using—what they like and what they find stressful. They could even give you a demo if it’s a platform you’re not familiar with. What’s important, argue Emily Weinstein and Carrie James in their book Behind Their Screens, is to approach these conversations with curiosity and empathy rather than preformed ideas and judgment.2Cat Tiu encourages a similar approach for supporting teens around their social media experiences. These can be challenging conversations to have. Don’t give up. Even if they seem reticent or skeptical at first, research shows that teens want your support.3The Digital Wellness Lab’s 2022 Pulse Survey found that adolescents were open to parents placing restrictions on their media use. See also: Hiniker, A., Schoenebeck, S. Y., & Kientz, J. A. (2016). Not at the Dinner Table: Parents’ and Children’s Perspectives on Family Technology Rules. Proceedings of the 19th ACM Conference on Computer-Supported Cooperative Work & Social Computing, 1376–1389. https://doi.org/10.1145/2818048.2819940
Friends can also be a great source of community support for teens’ social media use. As I discuss in Technology’s Child, many teens are finding ways to push back against the technical features and cultural expectations that pressure them to look and act a certain way. Friends are taking advantage of the ephemerality of Snapchat, the face filters on TikTok, and 0.5 selfies to share less polished, more playful versions of themselves with each other. Instead of #thinspo, they’re following and sharing #bopo, or body positive, content. Some are even giving up their smartphones in favor of flip phones. By creating and embracing these practices, teens are trying to shape new norms for themselves, on and off social media.
As some of these examples show, community support can be found within the platform itself. This support can come in many forms: finding a supportive community for an emerging identity; receiving positive feedback for an artistic creation; bonding with others who participate in the same fan communities; mobilizing around an important social issue.
Look out also for the absence of community support—harassment, exclusion, and other hurtful behaviors—which, unfortunately, is all too common online. This is where your support can be vital—for instance, by encouraging your teen to block malicious users or limit their use of certain platforms, or simply by offering an empathetic ear to listen to the challenges they’re facing. In some cases, more active intervention might be needed, such as connecting your teen with mental health supports.
Whether your child is sixteen or six, the two-step decision tool is your North Star to guide your tech-based parenting decisions. Asking Is it self-directed? Is it community supported? will help you support your child’s positive digital experiences and minimize negative ones.
Notes:
- 1Weinstein, E., & James, C. (2022). Behind their screens: What teens are facing (and adults are missing). MIT Press.
- 2Cat Tiu encourages a similar approach for supporting teens around their social media experiences.
- 3The Digital Wellness Lab’s 2022 Pulse Survey found that adolescents were open to parents placing restrictions on their media use. See also: Hiniker, A., Schoenebeck, S. Y., & Kientz, J. A. (2016). Not at the Dinner Table: Parents’ and Children’s Perspectives on Family Technology Rules. Proceedings of the 19th ACM Conference on Computer-Supported Cooperative Work & Social Computing, 1376–1389. https://doi.org/10.1145/2818048.2819940
