I’ve been a guest on several parenting podcasts recently, where the idea of the “good enough” digital parent has resonated with many hosts. As I discuss in Technology’s Child, a good enough digital parent does their best to guide their children toward digital experiences that support rather than undermine their development, knowing that there’s no one-size-fits all prescription for the optimal type or amount of technology use. A good enough digital parent also acknowledges their own limits and constraints as a busy parent who sometimes operates in survival mode.
But there was one podcast host who expressed skepticism (and, naturally, that’s the one that stands out most vividly in my memory!). His is not a parenting podcast (he focuses on books), but he does have two young children around the ages of 3 and 4, if I’m remembering correctly. He explained to me that he and his wife decided from the start to limit their boys’ screen use to the bare minimum, with the goal being zero screen time. They also restrict their own device use when they’re with their children and ask other adults (like the kids’ grandparents) to do the same.
I said something like: “That’s great if that works for you, but it’s probably not going to work for all families.” My implication, if not my explicit statement, was that it’s unrealistic to hold all families to this standard. (I also think, based on the research evidence, that it’s unnecessary for most kids to live screen-free lives.)
His response was something like: “Hey, this is what you signed up for. You knew what you were getting into when you became a parent. So step up and parent. Don’t let the screen parent for you.”
This sounds so reasonable, so simple. And I totally agree that screens shouldn’t be used as a surrogate parent. But I also think there’s a lot of space between surrogate parent and a screen-free childhood.
Let me try to make this in-between space a little more concrete with some typical scenarios from my own family life:
- Oliver is home sick, and I’ve got to work. Grandparents are out (they live in a different country). Babysitters are too expensive. In fact, this was the case last week (and the reason I didn’t post), when Oliver came down with scarlet fever and strep throat.
- I’m sick and Oliver is full of beans. A playdate isn’t an option because I don’t want to risk Oliver passing along what I have to another family (like the time I got COVID but Oliver kept testing negative).
- A distraction tactic: When Oliver was a toddler, he hated (I mean hated) having his nails clipped. The only way I could do it without a war of wills was to turn on an episode of Paw Patrol. Thankfully, he’s outgrown this aversion and so nail clipping sessions are now typically screen-free (illustrating the contingent nature of screen-time decisions).
- Oliver has always been a terrible sleeper. I remember when he was a baby, my family and friends assured me it would get better when he was four months, then six months, then a year. It never seemed to. Now that he’s six, it’s definitely better, but he just doesn’t seem to need as much sleep as most kids. Although I consider myself a morning person, sometimes I’m just not ready to parent at 5am.
- We’ve done a ton of things over the weekend–bike riding, cupcake making, tennis playing–and we both just want to cool out on the couch and watch a movie or TV show.
- I have a work deadline or an inconveniently timed but unavoidable meeting. I set Oliver up with his tablet and headphones so that I can get my work done with minimal distractions.
Each of these scenarios involves a challenging situation that has me in survival mode. Yes, I knew what I was getting into when I decided to become a parent, but that doesn’t mean it’s not sometimes really hard and really exhausting. Is parenthood only for those who can navigate these types of challenges without turning to a screen? Research doesn’t support such a conclusion.
I can also point to scenarios where I–or Oliver and I together–seek out technology as a meaningful, educational experience. Here are just a few examples:
- Oliver and I lived in Berlin for four years, where he became (nearly) fluent in German. Now that we’re back in Seattle, our deal is that for every English TV show that he watches, he has to watch one in German. Since he refuses to speak German with me (apparently I’m not good enough), this is the only affordable way I can ensure that he hears German everyday.
- Like many families with geographically dispersed extended families, Oliver and I make good use of video chat and WhatsApp to maintain a connection to his grandparents. I share video clips of his day through WhatsApp, and he shows them his latest Pokemon cards on Zoom or FaceTime.
- Speaking of Pokemon, Oliver and I discovered a YouTube channel a few months ago full of step by step tutorials for drawing Pokemon. Each tutorial features an adult and child drawing alongside each other, which is a great way to show that it’s totally okay if your drawing is not as polished as the adult’s version. Oliver can pause or replay any part of the video so that the pace works for him, which helps to minimize frustration levels during challenging parts. It’s an open question whether and how these tutorials help his drawing in other contexts, but at the very least, they give Oliver a chance to explore his interests in Pokemon and drawing and experience a sense of personal accomplishment.
- I can’t remember exactly how or when Oliver learned about Bixby, Samsung’s voice assistant (the equivalent of Apple’s Siri). But these days he enjoys asking me to ask Bixby (Bixby doesn’t always understand Oliver’s speech) various questions that he has…and that he doesn’t believe I know the answer to (like 400 x 400 — he was extremely impressed when Bixby gave him the same answer I had given him). It’s not just about learning facts, such as how many types of sharks there are or what’s the tallest mountain. When Bixby gives us a different list of the strongest Pokemon than it did the day before, this becomes an opportunity for us to talk about what Bixby is and where it’s getting its information. These are important conversations for children to have as they develop their digital literacy skills
Whether you’re in survival or creative mode (to borrow a distinction from Minecraft), the bottom line is that every family has a different set of supports and challenges, every child has a different temperament and set of interests. All of these factors will play a role in how families negotiate tech use at home. Good enough digital parenting is not about taking the easy way out or shirking parental responsibilities. It’s about figuring out what works for your particular family and situation. For my family at least, screen-free is neither realistic nor the goal. Devices are sometimes a lifeline for me, and sometimes they offer a meaningful experience for Oliver.
